“Are we not enough?”
That was the question I wanted to ask.
When I found out that you have 2 other kids apart from the 4 of us I started to think that maybe you just wanted more. Maybe you just yearned to be a father to a newly born baby again. Maybe you just longed for staying up late at night to nurse a helpless little infant again.
Maybe you missed a baby’s wail? Again?
You missed it. Not just once, but twice.
My mind knows that you are my father and it keeps defending you despite your betrayal, but my heart feels the agonizing reality that you abandoned us. You abandoned me.
To hear someone else, aside from the siblings I grew up with, call you “Papa” sounds so weird and unacceptable. Though it sounds good to still be introduced to your friends as your youngest, it pains me that it is not the truth anymore.
I am no longer your little princess who clings on your shoulders or kisses you goodnight, not because I have grown but because you have a new little princess doing that in my place.
I am no longer the only one who hugs you and tells you my wish list. It is not just me. Not anymore. There is somebody else somewhere doing these same things with you and also waiting for you to come home the way I do.
I wanted my Dad ONLY for myself. I DON’T want to share him with other kids! Especially not with the children of a woman I do not know, the woman who with you destroyed our family.
I wanted my Dad only for myself or for my siblings, but you took that birth right from me, from us.
But then, as I ponder.
I get to think that those children need a father too. I know that full well. As much as I wanted to say how I feel, there is nothing much I can do anymore. My thoughts will not change things. My voice will not bring us back to the family we used to be. I end up defending you from my very own reasons.
Why is this so?
Because despite of all that you have done to me, my siblings, and to Mom, I love you still. I will always try to understand and urge myself to accept the truth about our lives and forgive you.
I will always love the man who bought me my first ice cream.
I may have found it hard to accept his decisions that caused me pain, but somewhere past the curtains of his failures as a father, he chose to stay with us and I can say that he is still worth loving.
How did this expression of heartache and grace touch your heart? Do you feel the same pain and trauma of abandonment as this Daddy’s girl?
If you need somebody to talk to, call us anytime at 737-0-700 if you are in Metro Manila. We will be very happy to talk to you. If you are outside Metro Manila or outside the Philippines, contact us through the CBN Asia Prayer Center.